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(no subject) [Aug. 25th, 2006|11:57 pm]
HA HA HA. I hate these. do it.

My name:

Where did you and I meet:

Take a stab at my middle name:

How long have you known me:

When is the last time that we saw each other:

Do I smoke:

Do I drink:

What was your first impression of upon meeting me/seeing me:

What's one of my favorite things to do:

Am I funny:

What's my favorite type of music:

Can I sing?:

What is the best feature about me:

Am I shy or outgoing:

Am I a rebel or do I follow the rules:

Do I have any special talents:

Would you call me preppy, average, sporty, punk, hippie, glam, nerdy, snobby, or something else (what):

If possible could we make a good couple:

Have you ever hugged me:

What is my favorite food:

Have you ever had a crush on me:

If there was one good nickname for me, what would it be:

Have you ever kissed me:

What's your favorite memory of me:

If you and I were stranded on a desert island, what is the one thing I would bring:

Are we friends:

Do you want us to be more than friends:

Do I believe in God:

Who is my best friend: everybody?

Will you repost this so I can do it:

end.
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after hours... [Aug. 5th, 2006|10:30 am]
[Current Mood | thoughtful]

I am so glad for lj right now, because it's super-private. In that way where almost none of my friends know about it, and I regularly deny its existance.

So, thanks to the cottage this past week, I spent roughly six hours on the phone (non-consecutively and only after 11 p.m.) with Nico. As a result, we are much better friends. Also as a result, I now know things about him that I didn't before and that I kind of wish I still didn't.

I don't know, but somehow in the ups and downs and such of being friends with him, some of his...less classy habits became okay. In that way where I would usually not think that they were okay. And--just like with smoking--he told me that he's sick of it and that he isn't going to do it anymore.

Is it wrong that I have a really hard time trusting that? Maybe if I had more faith in him, he'd have a better time quitting? I don't know. I've never had to deal with this before.

Megan spent the night last night and we had nothing to talk about.

You know, Nico tells me that out of all of his friends, I'm the one he would probably call, but he laughs a lot more when Megan is around. So I think I'm the most reliable of his friends--but I'm not the most fun. And for reasons unknown, that suddenly matters to me.

Damn, there is something wrong with me.
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Busy like a little bee... [Jul. 25th, 2006|10:35 pm]
HA! Summer is picking up again, ladies and gents.

Tomorrow I'm working, Thursday is Girl's Night Out (+ cooking at g-mas), Friday I'm working, then Sat. I'm working, then heading out to some crazy cottage to spend the rest of the week with...ew...cousins. I hope I have a good time or you will be getting phone calls from me going, "Make it quick, tell me what's going on in the real world...PLEASE GOSSIP TO ME" or something superficial like that. My cousins seem to think that I'm not a superficial person at all, which can be kind of nifty, but I cannot take that much serious-ness as they can put out. (there are, after all, five of them.) Then they think I am super strange when I get up and dance to the radio. God I love dancing to the radio; what is wrong with these people?

Anyway. Then I have a week to (hopefully) make some money before my family rushes off on College Visit Week. I feel kind of bad going on College Visit Week because the odds are I will end up at GVSU, at least for the first two years. Actually, I plan on that. I mean, damn. Grinnell is in *IOWA*. When they send me mail, THEY PUT A CORNSTALK ON THE PACKAGING.

Other scary news: I recieved the first parts of my University of Chicago application. AH. *screams*

So Sunday night and Monday night I ended up with Megan and Nico at Steak n' Shake ( plus or minus a few people) and we had the same waitress! I love restaurants at night. they are much cooler. And the waitress is way laid-back and chatting it up about movies with us.

Whatever. I'm winding down. I'm going to go dance for a bit and then hit the hay.
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(no subject) [Jul. 12th, 2006|07:46 pm]
[ ] get accepted into college.
[X] pay off my debt to my parents.
[ ] save for...personals, I think is the only way to put it.
[ ] weigh what I should.
[ ] write. a lot.
[x ] see all of Miyazaki's movies.
[ ] go on a date.
[x ] fix the lock in my driver's side door.
[ x] make it to states in Forensics.
[ ] get another raise (not including the one from the minimum wage raise).
[ ] senior pictures
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Overboard...? [Jul. 2nd, 2006|11:25 pm]
So.

I have this friend, who is not the person she used to be.

She's taken up smoking. She's been with her boyfriend for two months, and not only do they sleep together on a regular basis (that took, what was it, two weeks? to start), but now they are "engaged". They even call each other by fiancé and fiancée. She lets his unlicensed person drive her car, and picks him up from work at midnight every night. And she regularly gets drunk out of her mind.

I want to tell her mother, because I know her mum will stop it. At least, I hope she does.

But even though I know it's best for her, I know I'm going to lose her friendship.

And even though I don't want that to happen, I kind of have to wonder how much I value her friendship anyway.

And I don't have the guts to do it, which makes me a totally terrible person.

If she ends up pregnant trailer trash, I'll never forgive myself.
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Le Oops [Jun. 16th, 2006|09:55 pm]
A teenage couple had been dating for a couple of weeks, and the relationship seemed to be going rather well. The young girl told the boy that if he were to come over for dinner, meet the parents, and make a good impression, she would reward him by making love to him.

Well, he was pretty excited, as it would be their first time, and he immediately went down to the local pharmacy to buy some condoms. But, it being his first time, he didn't know what kind to buy, so he asked the pharmacist for help. The pharmacist spent a good hour discussing the different kinds of condoms, what they do, how to pick a size, etc. He then asked the boy which he would like, rang it up and sent him on his way.

Finally, the night arrived. Of course, the boy was very nervous but was determined to make a good lasting impression on the girl's parents. Everyone sat down to dinner, and the mother said, "Let us bow our heads and pray." Everyone did so. When they were finished, everyone looked up...except the boy. He continued to bow his head and mumble in prayer. After about twenty minutes, he was still praying and the girl tapped him on the leg and said, "I never knew you were so religious."

He looked back at her and said, "I never knew your dad was a pharmacist."
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And the panic sets in [May. 30th, 2006|07:53 pm]
Okay.

So you know how you feel when you're driving, and some crazy person pulls out in front of you and you slam on the brakes? And your heart is all up in your throat and your stomach is about to drop out somewhere behind your car and all these thoughts keep running through your head and you just can't stop and gather up all those thoughts, and the harder you try to push them all out of your head and concentrate on your driving, the more erratic your driving gets?

Feeling kinda like that right now.

I wonder when I'll crash.





p.s. I'm sorry for how selfish I'm being on lj, but if I don't say it here, I can't say it anywhere. And I *need* to start saying things before they kill me.
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(no subject) [May. 27th, 2006|11:19 pm]
I actually had a pretty good day today, but I'm a little nervous, because tomorrow is the Haunt meeting.

I love the Haunt, don't get me wrong, but I'm a little nervous because this will be the first time I'll see Scott since I pretty much told him everything I've been keeping from him in this crazy e-mail I sent.

It was all about states, because everyone expected me to at least make top ten, and when I didn't make semi's, everyone was pretty surprised. People were telling me that I was going to win, and then I didn't even come close. For reference, never tell someone that they are going to win. Ever. It isn't nice to lose after someone has told you that they believe that you could win.

Anyway, after I got the critiques back, I e-mailed Scott and told him kind of what they said, and it ended up being this e-mail about how I wasn't sure how to feel and part of me wanted to blame someone but there was no one to blame and part of me wanted to forget the whole thing, but I didn't want to blame anyone really and I didn't want to forget it, either.

I didn't really say it, actually, but for some completely twisted reason, I lost a lot of confidence this year. And I know it. But I can't stop beating myself up over it because I think that if I had had a little more confidence, I couldn't gone farther. And I feel like it's so my fault, and it's such a stupid thing to lose because of.

And I kind of feel like I let the team down.

And I kind of feel like I let Scott down.

Which is not a fun thing to feel.

And I don't really want to have to talk about it. And I don't really want him to know that I blame myself, because I know that if I were to tell him, he would answer in some way that completely takes the blame off me and puts it on the judges. And he would tell me all sorts of wonderful things about myself.

And quite frankly, I think that would only hurt more, because if I were really all that wonderful, I wouldn't have lost.

And I really hate that I just can't let it not be my fault.
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Unfriendly Friends...? [May. 23rd, 2006|06:52 pm]
At the beginning of this school year I had this friend. And we had been friends for a very long time.

But this friend was not the friend I thought she was. She was a very drunk, drugged up, smoking friend. And I had always promised myself that I would not make those kinds of friends.

Never really thought about what I would do if one of my friends *became* that kind of person.

Anyway, this came to this and that came to that, and I'm not friends with that person anymore.

And I don't miss her, either.

The problem is that I have this friend. And we have been friends for a very long time.

But this friend is not the person I thought she was. She makes a lot of bad decisions, and treats people like they are toys, and I never wanted a friend like that. And I am trying to protect her from herself. And I never wanted friends that weren't smart enough to watch out for themselves.

So now I'm thinking that I can afford to be down another friend.

But I think I'll miss her.

And I've spent so much time being friends with her, I don't have very many other really good friends. So I want my other friendships to grow, so I don't need her anymore, but I don't know how.

/honesty
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Oops [May. 18th, 2006|03:43 pm]
Since I'm accidentally telling secrets today, I may as well tell these ones too. Hell, maybe I'll feel better for it.

1. If one more guy hits on me to get YOUR number, I'm going to rip their eyes out.
2. I'm not gay, but sometimes I wish I were.
3. I don't believe I can do it.
4. I don't think I ever deserved to go to States. I never should've gone.
5. You need to start paying me if you want me to be your baby-sitter.
6. I'll never be as good as you think I am.
7. I wish I were average.
8. I lost thirty pounds last summer. I wish I hadn't gone to Europe, because they made me start eating again, and I haven't stopped.
9. I'm a freak about dust. After I clean my room, it's so clean you could perform a surgery in there, infection-free.
10. I wish it were easier to be happy.
11. Ever since my teacher Len died, I'm having a hard time believing in God like I used to. There's no fire in it anymore for me. It's like reading a computer print-out.
12. I'm ashamed of my parents.
13. I play the piano so I can have one more thing to show you up on.
14. The older my dog Sandy gets, the more I hate her, even though I know she's only slowing down because she's dying.
15. I want to be a psychiatrist so I can figure out what's wrong with me.
16. I hate my feet.
17. I would be class valedictorian--if I studied.
18. I hate my own mediocrity.
19. I'm tired of competing for your attention.
20. I'm tired of wanting your attention.

So there.
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(no subject) [May. 17th, 2006|09:26 pm]
I've decided that it's about time I took some action and started becoming that person I've always wanted to be.

Except I'm not sure who that person is anymore.
Except when I think I've got her figured out, so much of who I want to be, depends on what others think of me.

Damn, I wish I were more confident in myself.
I wish I didn't care so much what you thought of me.

And for once, just for once, I want someone to look at me and go, "That. That is the girl that I need to beat," instead of looking at me and saying, "Well, that's at least one down."

Hey, God--for once, can I win at life? 'Cause all this losing is really getting me down. Love, me.
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States [May. 11th, 2006|04:15 pm]
Wow.

States was last weekend. I'm not going to make you hold your breath, though: neither of us made it to semi's. But the weekend was fab, and I am therefore going to tell it to you.

So we take off Thursday afternoon. We're in my brother's big honking SUV, the Dodge Durango. It's me, Jenni, and Nico shoved into the back seat, whilst Megan and Scott chat up front with all the leg room. Damn them. Anyway, we played CDs on Scott's DVD player and chatted and told Nico to jump out of the window, but he didn't. And my directions came in handy. *score*

Checked into the hotel. It's kind of a seedy place, and as we're walking in, I go, "It smells like feet," and Cramton goes, "No. After five years of college, I know this smell. It smells like weed." And Jenni goes, "Haha, I can't smell anything at all," which sparked a whole conversation about how she lost her sense of smell about a year and a half ago. But before that, we got all of our stuff out of the car, and Scott ran off to some rehersal dinner for some wedding that he was apparently in.

In the car remained all of my study things. Damnit.

Anyway, Jenni, Nico, Megan and I had a kicking good time. We sat around. We even met some drug dealers, but fortunately we found it within ourselves to turn down weed (coke, not so much...kidding). Bob Evans for dinner, which I only mention because we were talking about Megan's job (she works at Olga's) and how people attempt to do nasty things to other people's food, and so I unscrewed the lid on the pepper. Nico watched me do it. And when his fries came, he goes, "Jenni, can you hand me the salt?" and so she does, and then she says, "Man, I was really hoping you'd ask for the pepper," and he goes, "really? Then hand me the pepper." And we all stare for a moment, and then she hands him the pepper, and lo and behold, he turned it upside-down and pepperfied his fries.

I laughed so hard, and we frightened the waitress so badly that Megan asked her if she was okay.

Went back to the hotel and played a little truth or dare while Jenni was on the phone with Jesus, whose real name is Jeff, who she was dating but they broke up because of religious issues, and they were just trying to figure it out and what-not, but anyway. Later they all went swimming and I walked down, figuring that if I remained fully clothed there is no way they would push me in the pool. Well, once Megan and Nico started chasing me around trying to push me in, I thought the least I could do would be to save my shoes/socks/pants, and so I went swimming in my shirt/bra/underroos. It was incredibly weird, especially when the two little kids showed up. Right.

Next morning Scott shows up about eight, and he is wearing a tux. I laughed real hard. He also had a little tag labeled "Clergy" with the Universal Life Church emblem on it, because he had to get reverend-ified to be in this wedding thing. He was the reverend. So that was hilarious. We're all thinking..."Scott...reverend...don't really see how there's a good connection here." But apparently there was.

So we head down to Eastern Michigan University, and as we're driving there we're just talking, and suddenly Scott goes, "So have you guys ever heard of phallic symbols?" and we looked up, and I swear to god there was a giant penis sticking out of the ground. And when I say giant penis, what I really mean is a HUGE penis. It had a head and everything, but it wasn't really a penis, it was really just a water tower. However, the sign affixed to it didn't help matters much; it read, "Erected by the City, 1896". And that's funny right there.

Competition was boring. Eastern's campus is all infested with ants. *shudders* I had really good rounds, but apparently not good enough. *shrug*

Jenni's nanna came down though. That was cool. She came and watched my third round. After that she left.

AFter third round, its about 8:30/8:45 p.m., and so I call Cramtonface, who is at this wedding reception (he left 'round noon) and he's like, "I'll be there in a few." So we go outside and stand on chairs for about ten minutes and sing loud, obnoxious songs until he shows up, wearing *le gasp* regular clothes. But still the clergy tag.

So we head out to Red Lobster, which is really something of a tradition among us (two years running, raw!) and we get there, and we sit down, and all of a sudden Nico goes, "So is anyone thinking of ordering crab? 'Cause I'm pretty much allergic to shellfish."

Say WHAT?!?!

So we tell the waitress, and she comes back and says that they scrubbed the grill down, but there's no way his steak won't touch some residue juices of crab/lobster whatever. He eats it anyway, and does not die *yay*. Scared us, though.

Next morning we get up and go to our 4th round. It was boring.

That Saturday was, incidentally, free comic book day, so we found a comic book shop and went and got (oddly enough) free comic books. Then we went to McDonald's, and ate, and then as we were leaving I almost got ran over in the parking lot, but Jenni saved my life. Seriously. If I had taken two more steps, I would be legless. *thanks Jenni profusely* I do prefer walking.

Went back to EMU, proceeded not to make finals. We all went back to the car to get changed, and as we're heading back to where Scott, Jenni, and now Jesus are, we see them heading up, and realize: my God, we left the chairs there. So Megan and Nico run back to get them, and I am left with the adults.

Which: TANGENT. I don't know what it is, but I spend a disproportionate amount of time with people older than me. Seriously. I find the company of older people much more satisfying than the company of people my own age. I think that's why I totally dislike my job: even the adults (who are managers) are completely immature. Anyway.

So we leave. We go to fill up the tank with gas. AAAAAAAAAAAND we quickly discover that Scott has lost his credit card. CUE: wild goose chase for credit card. To make a long story short, he ended up cancelling said card, never finding it, and having to accuse Days Inn of having it, which did not go well.

So we screwed that and went to Ann Arbor. Checked out a couple of shops while waiting for Jenni and Jesus to show up, and ended up at Pinball Pete's. For those of you who actually know Scott, you also know that this is not at all a mistake. At first Megan and I are suspiciously raising our eyebrows at each other, but then Scott gets around to actually teaching me how to play pinball, and it was FABULOUS. I even got the chance to kick his ass a little bit at Austin Powers, but let's not fool ourselves: it was a total fluke. It was, however, my very first multi-ball, and then later when we played Guns n' Roses, I got my very first five-ball multi-ball (which was easy, because there's a way where no matter how you play it you get the five-ball multi, but still fun).

We then left and Megan and Nico got married. We actually snuck into this type of courtyard thing with this fence going all the way around it, but we climbed over the fence, trekked through their garden, and held the ceremony (which I made complete fun of) in front of a flowering tree. To quote Cramton, "If they had wanted to keep us out, they would've built the fence higher."

He had a point.

Then we discovered that it was moving out day at U of M, and we raided a dumpster. I picked up five very good books on the French, including "Vichy France and the Jews," which I am very excited to read, because in case you DIDN'T know, there were concentration camps in France as well. There was one that the Nazi's had to shut down because it was too disgusting. Which is really saying something.

Went for a walk, ended up at a Japanese collectibles shop where I bought a charm for my charm bracelet. It is a pink monkey in a yellow banana boat, and it is absolutely adorable. *endscene*

Dinner was pizza and very yummy.

Went home. The only real high-lights of that drive was the fact that we had nothing in which to play music anymore, so Nico was going to try to hook his CD player radio thing up into the cigarette lighter, and that was funny, but very dangerous.

Also heard some very entertaining stories that I shall not repeat because I would die of laughter. Except the doctors would rule the cause of death "Stupid People", who can apparently drive into a brick wall at fifty miles and hour and not die--if they're not drinking.

*kills self*

LOVE AND HUGS, YOU GUYS. I shall miss this season. Eh, there's always next year.
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17 [Apr. 5th, 2006|10:21 pm]
In one and a half hours, I will be seventeen.

It feels old. Is that wrong?

I have all sorts of goals for the next 365 days. Here. I shall write some down.

[ ] get accepted into college.
[ ] pay off my debt to my parents.
[ ] save for...personals, I think is the only way to put it.
[ ] weigh what I should.
[ ] write. a lot.
[ ] see all of Miyazaki's movies.
[ ] go on a date.
[ ] fix the lock in my driver's side door.
[ ] make it to states in Forensics.
[ ] get another raise (not including the one from the minimum wage raise).
[ ] senior pictures

That's really all I can think of right now. Some of it, I'm almost there. Others, I've got a long way to go.

I have all day Saturday off. I'm excited...to take the ACT. And do homework. Screw that, can we just skip that day entirely?
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Je gagne! [Mar. 19th, 2006|08:39 am]
Finally. Finally. Finally. Finally.

I have finally done what I have been trying to do all this time.

I have finally broken into finals in Forensics. They posted the sign about a half an hour after they were supposed to--we were right in the middle of a game of B.S. We ran up there, everyone (Megan and Lo had broken semi's, and Hilary too) and then they were posting for Poetry and I could hear Nico yelling "it's Kacie, it's Kacie" and I could hear Scott yelling at me and I could hear Lo yelling for me too, and I went over to where they were standing, and Scott turned and said, "Kacie, you made it," and I hugged him and then I had to see it for myself, I had to look at the sign with my very own eyes and I broke through the crowd and looked at it, in all its blue-paper-glory, with my code and my name written second to last. And I whipped around and Megan was standing right there and so I grabbed her and hugged her and started to cry. And then I had to go, I had to get moving so I wouldn't be late, so I hugged everyone else really quick and went and grabbed a chair and took off, and Erin and Cramton walked me to the 500 wing, and I was so happy, and they kept telling me that it was okay, and that I had a lot on the other people, and that they were so proud.

And I got into the round, and sat down to wait for the other judges, and I was so nervous, and then Hilary and Lo walked in, and then when we took roll call I couldn't remember my own code, so I said yes when no one else said yes, and then had to ask Lo if that was my code.

And that was that.

And at awards they gave me a cute little trophy, with a little trophy cup type thing on it (and a base made from Italian marble...the sticker on the back said so), and the cup would be perfect for taking shots if I ever drank, which I don't, so I would be taking shots of...er...sprite? It could be fun. And then the shiny bit where it said "6TH PLACE POETRY, W.O.H.O. INVITATIONAL" and I looked Erin Mulhern right in the eye as they called my name and then my cover was blown (she previously thought my name was Amy and that Kacie no longer went to our school) but I just smiled at her dirty looking face and considered sticking out my tongue.

AND, just to top off the whole night, I (again) won the betting game against Cramton, because I knew that T-Bakka was used to a half an hour to prepare, and Anneke was used to that one minute, so Anneke was impromptu, AND I got the T-Bakka bid for his showing in extempt. So I won that, two weekends in a row, even though I'm not sure what I've won.

The bus ride was hxc, dinner at Arby's was *hilarious*, I learned the philosphy of dating a la the Tao of Steve, and Megan drank Lo's shake. I took some c.r.a.z.y. pictures and I hope they turn out okay, and Nico, THAT WHORE, was giving out kisses on the cheek to OTHER GIRLS, namely, Lo. He's gonna pay for that, 'cause he's MY Cheek-Kissing Bitch. Megan had a 'Nam flashback, and we saved Cramton a chair--the baby high-chair. He insisted he had no one to strap him in, so he couldn't sit in it or he'd fall out, and remained effectively deaf to our offers to do so for him. We sang "All-Star" and removed B.S. from the game and instead now say Chuck Norris, and we removed Chuck Norris from Chuck Norris jokes, and instead say Trevor Baker.

Trevor Baker doesn't need back-up. He can win a Multiple round just by blinking for ten minutes.
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(no subject) [Mar. 12th, 2006|09:26 pm]
Wow.

It's been an absurdly long time.

I should tell you, you know, I really don't appreciate you only talking to me when you need the homework assignment. Can you even count how many times I turn around in class and I'm surprised you're there because you just walk right past and don't say anything? I'm not gonna lie. You say all the time that you wish you were a better friend, but you don't appear to be doing anything about it. I'm trying to have a conversation with you. I'm trying to know what's going on in your life. But you don't make it very easy.

Other than that. It's the Forensics season and I feel fine...like sugar and spice...so nice...so nice...I got you...Anyway.

When Chuck Norris does push-ups, he's not pushing himself up, he's pushing the world down.
Chuck Norris doesn't own a lawnmower. He looks at his grass and dares it to grow.
There's no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris got cold, so he turned up the sun.

^^ Highlights from Saturday's tournament. I love long bus rides even better than I love performing.

And I got Mountie Spongebob in my BK Big Kids meal. Hell yes.

Long and short of my life: Mostly it rocks, but a couple of you out there suck pretty bad right now. Work is going fabulously, Forensics is amazing (I should tell you, I took FIRST at the OK tournament last Wednesday), I flirt shamelessly with younger judges to get better scores (it works: one judge shaved 18 seconds off my piece so I'd be under max. time), Cramton has my yearbook so he can sign it, certain people I know really actually are crazy, Jake is *THIS CLOSE* to officially "coming out" and everyone sees what I mean by "I think he's gay," and Nico constantly smells good, whose name rhymes with Rico, who is the reason you all have this update, because I'm talking to him on AIM and he reminded me that I haven't updated here in FOREVER by saying hello to me.

HA!
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And The New Year Announces: [Jan. 13th, 2006|04:02 pm]
I may not like myself, but...

I still think I'm a good student.
I still think I have friends.
I still think I have cute shoes.
I still think that someday, everything will fit into place.

I still like my parents.
I still like my piano.
I still like my writing.

I still love my god.
I still love these chocolate graham crackers sticks I'm eating.
And I still love you.
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(no subject) [Dec. 11th, 2005|04:40 pm]
Bwuahaha.

I have been having a good couple of days.

I actually had fun at work last night. This is a new thing for me.

Dare I say...optimism on the horizon?
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being oneself [Dec. 5th, 2005|08:14 pm]
[Current Music |Brand New--The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot]

I bit my lip at lunch today.

It hurt, really bad, kind of like how when you're a little kid and you jump off the swing when you're really high up, and you land hard, and it jolts the air out of your lungs and pushes all your weight onto the top part of your calves and makes your knees feel like they fell apart.

Sometimes I think everything is falling apart.

I have an ugly flap of red and purple skin on the inside of my lip now. Sometimes I feel like one big giant ugly flap of red and purple skin.

Because you can complain every day about how crap you look, but when it comes down to it, I am not disillusioned. Anyone would rather look at you than me. And I want to say it's fine, who cares about looks, who cares about faces and what size you wear, who *cares*.

I'm sorry, okay? But I can't *be* that person. I'm too selfish, too shallow, too desperate for somebody's attention to try.

But don't look at me all patronizing.

And don't ask me to go shopping with you, because you look fabulous in anything you put on and I don't try clothes on. And I can come up with all kinds of excuses, I can play it down, but when it comes down to the cement foundation, it's just because I'm jealous.

If one more person tells me I'm beautiful in my own unique way, I'm going to hurt someone. And probably start crying.

Because *everyone* is beautiful in their own unique way. That's like saying everyone has a different set of clothes. It's *obvious*. And it's no consolation.

So just sit down and shut up and accept me the way I am, okay? For once, you can't make this better.
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(no subject) [Dec. 3rd, 2005|10:11 am]
So last night sucked.

I had to close post, and so I was standing there, and it was okay, and my contacts kind of hurt but whatever. And Carol came and said, "You should be happy. You don't look happy." And I said, "I'm just tired" and she went away.

And I started feeling teary.

And then Jourdan and Meghan came down, and stood at post for a second, and then Jourdan was like, "Are you okay? You don't look okay." And I completely burst into tears. Sobbing at work? No fun. And then these customers came so I ducked down behind post, and Jourdan was like, "I'll stand post, you can go to the bathroom if you have to."

So I did.

And then I collected myself, and Meghan went out, and then Ashley and Michelle came down. And asked me what was wrong. And I cried again. And they kept saying that I could tell them what was wrong, but I really couldn't, because I didn't really know. Crying just felt like the right thing to do. And eventually they went away, even though all three offered to stay at post if I wanted to go home, and they kept saying I didn't look okay and that okay people didn't cry like that, but I told them I was all right (a lot of times) and so eventually...what else could they have done?

I think I'm just super stressed out right now. I am behind in math homework, I just took an AP Bio test that I don't know how I faired, I missed school last Tuesday and I really didn't need to, and nobody at work likes me except Jourdan and Kelley and Carol. And maybe Ms. Reeder.

We split into teams last night, and I was, actually, on a team with Kelley and Carol and Ms. Reeder. Kelley and Carol aren't even ushers. They're CSAs. If stand had gotten busy, I actually would've been by myself. And none of the ushers even thought about me, they just automatically went off in a group together.

They're doing Secret Santa this year. I won't be signing up.

Am I being childish? Probably. But sometimes I just want to be liked, too, and I want them to talk to me even when I'm not crying. I can talk to them, start the conversation (which is always very short-lasting) myself, but actually start a conversation with me? Not a chance.

I was so tired when I got home I forgot to take my contacts out, and just slept in them.
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and nobody cries anymore [Nov. 22nd, 2005|05:32 pm]
Nobody cares about the rainforest anymore.

Nobody cares about how many people have died in Iraq anymore.

Nobody cares about the extent of the Holocaust, not to mention the Native American Holocaust.

Nobody cares about international relations.

Nobody cares about save the planet .

Nobody cares about high-quality literature.

Nobody cares about anybody anymore.

Even those of you who have decided to donate money, time, or other things this "holiday" season...did you do it because you felt like it was the right thing to do, or did you do it so you could say you did?

And why is it that everybody cares more about everybody when they're reminded of Christmas and other people's sacrifices? I think Christmas is a guilty holiday--we celebrate it because we feel guilty, and (if we have any conscience at all) feel guilty about celebrating it.

We just can't win anymore, can we?
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